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It's Time To Open Your Eyes 136

Posted by Soulskill from the bring-a-towel dept.
Morpheus writes: Good morning. I'm talking to you. Yes, you. The one with the squeaking chair and the monitor that needs cleaning. Right now you're wondering why your officemates haven't mentioned the weird story on Slashdot's front page. They haven't mentioned it because they can't see it. Not everyone can accept reality as it is. But you can.

You know. You've always known. The things you see, the things you hear, and smell — they aren't any more real than your dreams. You've drifted through life so far wondering when you're going to wake up. But you don't have to wonder anymore. This is your alarm clock. The only decision you have left to make — the only decision you've ever had to make — is whether you want to wake up, or turn it off and drift back to sleep. In exactly two minutes, your phone is going to ring. If you want to open your eyes, to be born into a world more real than you've ever imagined.. answer it.
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It's Time To Open Your Eyes More

It's Time To Open Your Eyes

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  • Morpheus warks for the NSA ? (Score:5, Funny)

    by Crashmarik ( 635988 ) on Wednesday April 01, 2015 @10:49AM (#49386687)

    How else did he know about my monitor and my chair.

  • Meh (Score:1)

    by Anonymous Coward

    I give this one a 2:10.

  • Another shitty "news" item (Score:1, Insightful)

    by Anonymous Coward

    Fuck this April 1 crap. Fucking hellllll, it's so fucking tedious.

  • A couple of them? Cool, funny, etc.

    Posting them non-stop while you dredge every corner of sci-fi? It's like being rick-rolled, geek-style (shit... now /. is going to post one of those, I just know it...)

    Seriously guys, this is becoming irritating.

    • It's like being rick-rolled, geek-style (shit... now /. is going to post one of those, I just know it...)

      Now I have to be on the lookout for bad music in my bad jokes. Thanks a pantload, Chet.

    • Re:Okay - stop... just fucking stop. (Score:5, Insightful)

      by macs4all ( 973270 ) on Wednesday April 01, 2015 @10:58AM (#49386751)

      A couple of them? Cool, funny, etc.

      Posting them non-stop while you dredge every corner of sci-fi? It's like being rick-rolled, geek-style (shit... now /. is going to post one of those, I just know it...)

      Seriously guys, this is becoming irritating.

      It's ONE day of the year!

      Seriously. Get a life. Read another website for today. Do some damned WORK.

      The rest of us actually enjoythis.

      Now shut up or we'll bring back the My Little Ponies theme...

      • Re: (Score:1)

        by Anonymous Coward

        I'm unemployed you insensitive clod!

      • Re: (Score:2, Troll)

        by gstoddart ( 321705 )

        You're enjoying an endless stream of "stories" which are nothing more than references to books and movies?

        Sorry, but this is like being told knock knock jokes by a four year old, it's just tedious and pathetic.

        These stories aren't hoaxes or pranks, they're just drivel.

        • Re: (Score:3, Insightful)

          by macs4all ( 973270 )

          You're enjoying an endless stream of "stories" which are nothing more than references to books and movies?

          Sorry, but this is like being told knock knock jokes by a four year old, it's just tedious and pathetic.

          These stories aren't hoaxes or pranks, they're just drivel.

          Actually, it is people like you who are "tedious and pathetic".

          The references provide a shared framework and a starting-point for humor that is generally enjoyable by most "geeks" or "nerds".

          So, if you are not enjoying it, then the inference is obvious. So, kindly turn-in your Geek Card now, and leave the rest of us to enjoy our drivel.

          • The references provide a shared framework and a starting-point for humor that is generally enjoyable by most "geeks" or "nerds".

            So, if you are not enjoying it, then the inference is obvious. So, kindly turn-in your Geek Card now, and leave the rest of us to enjoy our drivel.

            That is so last-century. Now that the government wants everyone to get into STEM, having a Geek Card is no longer cool. It ranks right down there with hipsters, both of which are still slightly above being Mike Pence.

            • The references provide a shared framework and a starting-point for humor that is generally enjoyable by most "geeks" or "nerds".

              So, if you are not enjoying it, then the inference is obvious. So, kindly turn-in your Geek Card now, and leave the rest of us to enjoy our drivel.

              That is so last-century. Now that the government wants everyone to get into STEM, having a Geek Card is no longer cool. It ranks right down there with hipsters, both of which are still slightly above being Mike Pence.

              Hey! As an (embarrassed) citizen of Indiana, them's fightin' words!!! ;-)

              • For a moment there I was having a hard time figuring out why you were embarrased to be from India. But then I saw the extra two letters, well don't fret this proof of your residence will only be archived on slashdot forever.

            • Being a geek was ever cool? I would say that now it is the "in" thing, but I don't believe it was ever cool to be a geek.

              • Re: (Score:3)

                by weszz ( 710261 )

                This is what I was thinking... Nerd Herd, Geek Squad... who would want that title for a job?

                I never needed a geek card or a man card or anything like that, cuz I determine who I am. No one else gets to bestow or take things away from me, just like no body puts baby in the corner.

          • Sorry, son, but I've had my geek card for over 30 years now. Nobody gets to take it back.

            I'm all for some good humor, but what soulskill is doing is beyond lame.

            April fools day is about hoaxes and pranks ... not thinly disguised click-bait and attention whoring by a lame editor who thinks he's funny.

            The BCC convincing people about the annual spaghetti harvest? Priceless, timeless, and awesome.

            Ten stories which are blatant references to popular fiction? A pathetic cry for help (or, in this case, ad revenu

            • April fools day is about hoaxes and pranks ... not thinly disguised click-bait and attention whoring by a lame editor who thinks he's funny.

              Actually, I find most attempts at April Fool's humor to be purile and devoid of actual humor; but that's not the point. The point is simply in the irreverence of it all. That ONE day of the year, we all get to be 6-year-olds; laughing at stupid jokes, calling friends up and (non-harmfully) pranking them, etc.

              The quality of the humor doesn't enter into it. I agree it's more enjoyable if the joke is slightly more erudite than the "pull my finger"-level; but it's all in good fun, and that's the real point.

          • I'm actually surprised at all the negative post. Everyone of these stories is a chance for us to discuss our fav books or if people want to have a hey day making in-reference post. I've thought several of the point spins were pretty humerious. I haven't had time to post on each story, but I think the blatent day off this April was a better approach then previous years.

            Most of the negitive post should just stop giving Slashdot Money by viewing the ads for the day. Instead they insist on making noise which

            • I'm actually surprised at all the negative post.

              Don'tcha know? That's what Anonymous COWARDS do!

              I REALLY think /. should eliminate the AC bit. I've personally had my Karma stripped from "Excellent" to "Poor" in one frickin' day JUST because I refuse to post as AC, and took an unpopular (pro-Apple) stance in a particularly Apple-Hating thread.

        • We're so sorry the jokes aren't highbrow enough for you. Perhaps next year a Pulitzer prize winner can be hired to increase their literary merit.

      • I hate this day So MUCH! (Score:1)

        by Anonymous Coward

        I used to come to Slashdot all the time (I only visit occasionally, because I got mad when they pulled the whole BETA thing) as a way to take some time away from work and catch up on tech news, maybe learn something. But every single flippin' April fools you get tons of these obnoxious stories. If anything interesting really does happen, I never believe it either (great day for someone to do something evil as noone will believe it actually happened.)
        Then to add insult to injury, you get all the bozos who st

        • Re:I hate this day So MUCH! (Score:4, Insightful)

          by macs4all ( 973270 ) on Wednesday April 01, 2015 @11:25AM (#49386941)

          I used to come to Slashdot all the time (I only visit occasionally, because I got mad when they pulled the whole BETA thing) as a way to take some time away from work and catch up on tech news, maybe learn something. But every single flippin' April fools you get tons of these obnoxious stories. If anything interesting really does happen, I never believe it either (great day for someone to do something evil as noone will believe it actually happened.) Then to add insult to injury, you get all the bozos who start submitting the jokes early and then late. So basically there becomes a 3 day block (3/31, 4/1 and 4/2) where almost none of the stories have any actual content.

          You do realize, of course, that trying to guess which stories are "real" (but which reel?), and which are "jokes" is part of the "fun" for the rest of us who are not humor-challenged.

          And the fact that you actually liked /. Beta is further proof that you are an alien Pod, rather than a true and proper member of the /. "community"...

      • Thank you. April Fools Day would be much more enjoyable without the blowhards wining about how they don't find it amusing. We don't care about what you find, or don't find funny. Please go to your room for the rest of the day so the rest of us can enjoy it in peace.

        • Thank you. April Fools Day would be much more enjoyable without the blowhards wining about how they don't find it amusing. We don't care about what you find, or don't find funny. Please go to your room for the rest of the day so the rest of us can enjoy it in peace.

          Exactly.

        • Re: (Score:2)

          by MrKaos ( 858439 )

          Thank you. April Fools Day would be much more enjoyable without the blowhards wining about how they don't find it amusing. We don't care about what you find, or don't find funny. Please go to your room for the rest of the day so the rest of us can enjoy it in peace.

          I dunno, the reactions and expressions of discomfiture are pretty amusing.

      • Re: (Score:2)

        by zieroh ( 307208 )

        The rest of us actually enjoythis.

        I think you grossly overestimate the number of people who are as mind-numbingly stupid as you are. Yes, even on Slashdot.

        • The rest of us actually enjoythis.

          I think you grossly overestimate the number of people who are as mind-numbingly stupid as you are. Yes, even on Slashdot.

          You do realize you are Replying to my post which has been moderated +5 Insightful (and which has several Replies in agreement); so I guess there are at least 5 people with Mod Points that are as "mind-numbingly stupid" as me.

      • You enjoy a deluge of stories on the front page that aren't funny? People wouldn't be complaining so much if the stories were actually funny instead of just retarded.

        • You enjoy a deluge of stories on the front page that aren't funny? People wouldn't be complaining so much if the stories were actually funny instead of just retarded.

          Although I applaud the cleverness of your Username; I believe I have made my feelings abundantly clear in this thread, to wit:

          It isn't the quality of the humor on April Fool's Day; it is just the sheer joy of everyone being allowed to be a little kid for a day.

          In fact, unless you are publishing an April Fool's spoof in Scientific American [scientificamerican.com] or somesuch, you are not well-served to have your humor be too highbrow.

          And no; Slashdot doesn't count as an "intellectual publication"; so get over it, and yourself

          • It's not about the humour being highbrow or not, it's about it existing at all, and today on Slashdot, it doesn't. It's not too much to ask for April Fool's jokes to be actually funny. Long, long ago, they actually were, but that is far in the past now.

            If you actually enjoy all this crap, then you're living way back in the past when it actually was funny, unable to see the shitty present.

  • Turning off my phone now and rolling over.

  • We're all unemployed, you insensitive clod!

    • We're all unemployed, you insensitive clod!

      You should have labeled your post "First Post From The Future".

    • We're all unemployed, you insensitive clod!

      So, think about it more closely. H1-Bs now have your jobs. And are slacking off while working and reading Slashdot. But the April 1st jokes are not funny, and the H1-Bs do not understand them. So, they are not laughing like you used to.

      So . . . you win!

      I think.

  • I chose the Blue Pill! (Score:3, Funny)

    by irreverant ( 1544263 ) on Wednesday April 01, 2015 @10:57AM (#49386735) Homepage
    Alice in Wonderland isn't the only one tripping! ~ #Whiterabbit_Foo!

  • STAHP!!! (Score:1, Redundant)

    by RavenLrD20k ( 311488 )
    Soulskill! Stop it! There's legitimate joke stories in the firehose and you're posting Drivel from handles that don't exist on the site (if they do, where's the profile link!) that don't even appear in the 'hose! Stop it and bring a high quality joke out of the Firehose and put it in the feed for a change! (No, Harvard researchers pinpointing the source of flatulence is not high quality.)

    • Re: (Score:1)

      by Anonymous Coward

      I'd rather see this than something by Bennett.

      And this is actually the best one yet today.

  • Maybe I'm getting older, but slashdot used to be a bit more fun than this on April fools..

  • Just post other site's actually funny content, or don't post anything until tomorrow.

    BRING BACK OMG PONIES!

  • Err, I mean, I'm the only one who still reads /. Thus the lack of comments of this April 1st spam.

  • And I don't answer my phone in the toilet.

    Leave a fucking message — I'll get back to you when my download completes.

    PS: That's not my chair that's squeaking.

  • I'll take the RED pill.

    No, BLUE!!!!

    arrrgghh!

    • But I'm color blind...

    • Oblig: https://xkcd.com/566/ [xkcd.com]

      • Re: (Score:2)

        by MrKaos ( 858439 )

        Oblig: https://xkcd.com/566/ [xkcd.com]

        I enjoy the other two movies. There I fucking said it.

        It fact they were pretty fucking good when I figured them out, I'm going to watch them again. Like most of the people here whinging about we're fools today, they make it lame, because the second two matrix movies require someone to *think* instead of having the answer painted in ten metre high letters so they can have their 'ohhhhh' moment, when it dawns on them. Of course if you try to explain it, it makes it lame and them lame and you lame. Case in p

    • I took them both to cover myself either way.

  • In a related story (Score:4, Interesting)

    by ArhcAngel ( 247594 ) on Wednesday April 01, 2015 @11:07AM (#49386805)
    Systemd has coalesced with /. beta and has begun rampaging on the Seattle coast line. Fishmongers are running for their lives but have as yet still not dropped a cod!

  • Phone (Score:1)

    by Anonymous Coward

    My battery is dead

  • That my first thought wasn't "oh, it's Apr 1st". No. My first thought was "Oh great, now the editors have left the building and whatever story gets the most upvotes will hit the front page. Time to leave for good".

  • weird (Score:3)

    by shentino ( 1139071 ) <shentino@gmail.com> on Wednesday April 01, 2015 @11:14AM (#49386855)

    I answered it and got a busy signal.

  • Comment removed based on user account deletion
  • So I answered it and they were like. You still owe us 25usd for the last Redpill you ate... ~.~ Screw it... ~.~ Rippoff

  • Everyone else sees a blue pill and a black pill, right?

  • Soulskill, it would have been better if you had done your taxes in time instead of spamming us with your favorite books for April 1st.

  • Missed the call... damn. Maybe he'll call back. #fingerscrossed

  • that I left my phone in the car.

  • This would be exponentially more effective if read with green text on black background. You lazy.
    • Oh crap. Matrix is retro now? I guess old age just kind of comes out of nowhere. I'm off to see about getting a social security check.
      • You missed the point. Matrix was retro in 1999. Or did you see them using Windows 98 by any chance?

    • Re: (Score:2)

      by David_W ( 35680 )
      Yeah, but that's what SoylentNews is doing for today.
      • OH MY GOD THAT'S TRUE. Hadn't been there today yet. I guess the post must be a pun about them then.

    • Re: (Score:2)

      by pla ( 258480 )
      This would be exponentially more effective if read with green text on black background. You lazy.

      Pleeease don't give them any ideas. They seem to have trouble keeping the site's normal CSS fully functional from week to week; do you really want them to go tinkering with it to add extra punch to yet another one of these lame 4/1 posts?

  • ...this is an April Fool's joke?

  • It happened (Score:5, Funny)

    by JustNiz ( 692889 ) on Wednesday April 01, 2015 @12:31PM (#49387367)

    My phone actually did ring exactly 2 minutes after I read this!
    it was my boss wanting a status update. Is this some secret code? What does his call REALLY mean?

  • My chair doesn't squeak and my monitor is always kept clean. Or perhaps I can just read what's on everybody's screen, don't let the NSA know.

  • Phone's quiet all day, I step away from my desk for five minutes, and some idiot calls and doesn't bother to leave a message. I freaking HATE that.
  • I am NOT going out on the ledge.
  • I was eating my soup, read this stupid article, and my spoon went away.

  • Okay, I admit it, this one made me laugh (mainly because I expected a different direction when reading the headline.)

  • Blue, red, bleh, I want an orange one, orange sweets are the best.

  • If the server gets the phone number from the logged in account and makes a call 2 minutes after this story was scrolled to.
  • If the subject line of this posting appears blank to you, don't worry, it wasn't intended for you anyway.

    ..also, The Game.

    That is all.
  • Because it seems /. has full audio ads now, the ones that run irrespective of input. I was looking all around to see if I had opened up some seedy rag like before its news, which does that all the time.. but nope. It was /.

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